Macabre Bytch's Journal

8:57pm: update update update, Yes, I'm still alive!
Well, a lot of things have changed since I last wrote in this thing....

I've moved again, got a new job (a good one!), signed up for some fall college classes so that I can finally complete my degree, met a sweet guy.

The new place is great, I never thought I could afford something like this, but good things really have started happening for me, once I got out of my pity party. Being able to afford the place is because of my new job....manager of a great independently owned clothing store. I get every weekend off, unless it's an emergency. I never could get anything like this before, because I'm a couple semesters shy of my bachelors, but since this is independently owned, she told me it didn't matter much to her, that she liked my sense of style, and she loves the way I'm dressing the windows, the way I get along with the girls that I'm managing. So far, so good.....please keep your fingers crossed for me.

I still want my degree.....I'm going back to school again....I'll be able to fit a few classes in, in the evenings.

And as for the sweet guy, I've never taken anything this slow, but I figure it has to be the way for me right now.....I'm not going to get all psycho over any relationships anymore. We've went out about 10 times and we haven't even had sex, which must be a first for me, lol! (although there has been some heavy petting going on, but I'll keep the details of that to myself....hehehe)

I've been given a clean bill of health. With the treatments, they think they've got rid of everything. I can only hope. But it such a relief. Now, I just have to have very, very regular check ups.

The move, the new job and everything else is why I've been away.....so everybody should see me around here more often now....I'll probably even actually add a few new friends!

See ya!

7:10pm: alone again
My cousin, who also happens to be a great friend, and his partner are gone. They didn't have any luck finding a place here, but will probably try again in the summer. I sure miss him. It sucks being alone.

The company was great and it was also cool that he's a great chef! It didn't help my waistline any but I got to enjoy stuff I never thought I'd ever eat in my life. He talked me into it and I loved it.

In sorta related news, I gained about 5 pounds. I'm signing up at the gym tomorrow. I've just got get toned. I'm really loving life, after coming to losing it. It's funny how I was told I have dysplasia, then cancer, then, "hey, we think it spread!" I went through a living hell and am still getting treated, but that part is almost over. All the gloom that I used to relish in and almost enjoy isn't welcome into my life anymore. I hate to make some of you stick your finger down your throat right now, lol, but I'm actually looking to be a more positive person with a brighter take on life. Hey, if I'm being corny so be it. Life is beautiful, life is short. Just don't expect me to call any of those motivational freaks on those late night infomercials though! ha

2:26pm: Tommy and Chad are so cute they make me sick!
Not really. It's great seeing two people sooooo in love! They're still here and they're just what the doctor ordered. I've been able to take some of the focus off myself (and all the miserable things that have been happening to me) and put all that energy into them by trying to help them find jobs here, an apartment, defending them against uptight family members (mine and Tommy's). Most of our relatives are ok with Tommy being in a gay relationship, but there's a few.....ugh. Fuck them! I never liked their old asses anyway.

In other news, I'm healing really well, physically and emotionally. I've hesitated about talking about my recent traumas (not only surgery but a few personal things too, that have just been hell), but I hope to be able to open up about it soon. It's just too difficult right now, but I'm working on it!

I'm feeling so loving and not in a sexual way either! Just feeling so much love toward my fellow humans. Feeling clear for a change. Beginning to love life again. If this feeling would just last........*sigh*

10:29pm: I am back.....if u care!
Well, I have been through surgery and am now recovering. I had to also have part of my womb removed...long story, which I will get into later. I've had to take so many pain pills. My body just didn't want to adjust to being cut on. I'm a pussy, what can I say?

I'm in the process of returning phone calls, emails, etc. Thanks for being patient with me, my lj friends and my in the flesh friends who read this thing, that I like to call a journal, but started to look more like a ghost town. But I am back and better than ever. hehe

I'll need to start looking for another job. I no longer work for the strip club King. I'm signed up for a few fall college classes. I have a small trip planned in July, to go to Florida. Never been. Should be fun.

Saw a fabulous movie the other night........Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. If you have not seen this brilliant, brilliant film, do yourself a favor and sit your ass right down on your couch and view. Great film, I can't stop thinking about it.

Ok, I'm going to get into bed. I have company coming early in the morning, for a week! My second cousin, Tommy and his boyfriend of 2 years, are coming in and looking for a place to live around here. They'll be here for at least a week. I've never met Tommy's s/o, but I already feel like I know him from everything I've heard. Tommy may be my 2nd cousin, but we grew up more like best friends. We were inseparable before he moved away. I miss him and can't wait to hug him!

Well, g-nite.

11:37pm: I'm sorry for being a terrible friend to my journal buddies and my in the flesh pals. I haven't given anyone the attention they deserve lately. That doesn't mean that I don't think about you often or that I don't plan on being there for you again. I've just been going through so much shit, including one health problem after another. It looks like the cervical dysplasia is severe enough that they are talking further treatment, even after everything that I've already been through with it. I am having horrible pain in the pelvic region and lots of bleeding. I am weak. So don't think you're not in my thoughts, just because I'm not writing to you personally or calling you. I'm just so absorbed in my own personal hell right now. It doesn't mean that I don't get online and read your journal entries or if you're a in the flesh friend, take out your picture and just remember you. I promise to get back to this thing called living very soon. I promise.

10:34pm: Here's some neat little info that I just figured out.....if they were an asshole in high school, they're probably still assholes.

I ran into this creep, jock guy that used to absolutely torment me in school. He just gave me shit all the time. He was such a bitch. He would make jokes about my makeup being too dark, saying that I looked like Bozo or that I dressed weird, etc.

Well, the years have passed by and I see him from afar at the mall. Well, the way I figure it, I have a few options.....(1) I can turn the other way and pretend not to see him, (2)I can go up to him and pull his nuts up through his mouth, or (3)I can act grown up, let the past be and realize he was a dumb kid who probably regrets what he did to me in school and actually go up to him and say hi.

Well, the bitch must have left my body that day, because I decided to go up to him and be nice. It didn't hurt that his former rock hard abs now looked like an inner tube and maybe he wouldn't be so quick to judge everything about me now. So, I go up to him and say "hi, Danny. I haven't seen you since high school. how have you been?" The asshole looks at me for about a minute with a puzzled look on his face and says, "we went to high school together? I don't remember you." I then explained that we had homeroom together and several classes. He still didn't remember me. So, I walked away from this jerk.....humiliated just like in the old days.

I can't fucking believe this.....this guy tormented me and had a hand in creating so much anxiety and low self worth in me and I have been struggling with all his torture all these years and he doens't have fucking remember me. *note to self* find a way to get some revenge on that stupid, jock mother effin scum ass.

Ok, I'm done. I vented. I'm going to bed now. =)

9:51am: Oh gawd. Sasha came over. This girl is messing with my mind. She and the boyfriend had a fight. She needed a shoulder to cry on. I had ulterior motives I must admit, but I was there for her. She rewarded me nicely. =)

1:30pm: I have an appointment with a new doc next week. Wish me the best?

Just got a cute little, all black kitty. I haven't decided what I should call her yet, but each time I call her kitty, she gives me this sneer and seems to say, "isn't kitty just a little too generic and plain for a fabulous kitten like me? How about a real name, woman?"

I'm going back to work too. I can't stay locked up here, dying.

I'm experiencing a burst of energy and a positive outlook, that doesn't come to me too often, so I'm taking advantage.

9:07pm: I look like a slut and I like it
It's amazing what a little cosmetics will do for for lifting the spirits.....just painted my toenails, fingernails, and lips whore red. I like it. I don't usually wear red, but there's something very freeing about it. It's weird how I do when I get all depressed.....I start buying up every amazing lipstick shade that I can find. It's a bad habit, but one that I don't intend to try and break.

1:13pm: What is wrong with me?

I've quit my job, shut out what friends that I have left, won't return the family's calls. All I do is cry and rock like a crazy person. This is not normal. I do know this. But, I've never been normal.

I rarely eat or even shower. EWWW, I know. All I do is flop on the couch and use the tv for background noise. The bills have been piling in and I don't even open them. It's rare for me to even be on the computer anymore. I feel no joy from anything. Yet, I want to live. I'm afraid to die. I could go to a doc and say put on another anti depressant, but the luck that I've had with docs lately, well, I just don't trust them.

I wonder if some St. John's Wort would help?

I need a miracle drug and the weed is not helping. I've never been big on drugs, except during my experimental period, but I've always been know to keep a small stash of MJ and it used to help, but all it does it make me even more depressed and moody these days.

I'm cold and tired. I'm hooking the electric blanket up and retiring to the couch, just like the old lady that I'm becoming. I'll even hold my cat on my lap. Perfect. Old, crazy and alone.

1:11pm: I would like to add, that even though that life sucks, I DO NOT want to die. Dysplasia go away!

1:10pm: I hate to be a drag, especially if your day is going well, but life sucks. It really, really sucks.

8:22am: I've been told that my so called cervical dysplasia is actually in the beginning stages of cancer, afterall. I'm scared.......

9:39pm: I'm looking for another doc. My doc is still talking about a hysterectomy for me. After getting what turned out some great advice from grimkitten, I started doing some research and found that a hysterectomy is not necessary at all for this! I can't believe the shithead wants to remove everything, pronto!

I've got to get back into the groove of things. I haven't been this depressed forever! I'm not sure where I belong. Most of my family members are Christians and have celebrated the holiday and I just don't fit in anymore....well, it's not like I ever fit in ever, anyway. I'm still not sure what I am and I am trying to find my way. I'm doing my reading, my research and trying to figure things out on my own.

Sasha and I are talking again. Not as lovers, but as friends. It was awkward at first, but she told me it's an experience she'll never forget and will always love me in her way and I'm the most dedicated and loyal friend she has ever had, but for romance she prefers men. I guess in a way, I do too, at least for the long term. I see myself marrying a man in the future, but women are just more gentle and romantic and the sex, um, the sex.....ok, the sex is the best. Is that shallow of me? Girls just know how to give other girls the most ultimate orgasm. Totally.

Ok, I'm going to bed.....I'm starting to sound like a valley girl.

3:14pm: To all of those of you that I owe emails to...I'm sorry for not getting back to you. I've been lost in my own sorrow. I have cervical dysplasia which I understand is a pre cancerous condition. My docs explained it, but I think I missed most of what was said, as I sat there in shock. I've missed work all week, which I didn't have to work Thanksgiving or Friday, but I still missed Mon thru Wed. I've just been locked away in my own little world trying to deal with this...I guess it could have been worse though...it could have been cancer that had spread. I don't know how this is going to effect my chance of having children or anything yet. So many questions, so few answers coming my way. I know I owe several emails and phone calls, so I'll get to those soon...until then, please understand.

12:04pm: I've had a really shitty week.

Sasha has decided that she's not bi after all. She's with her old boyfriend.

I got chewed out Friday at work for giving out personal info on the boss that I didn't know was personal.

One of the dancers that I had become friends with was raped. I can't even get her to report it, because she said becaue of her job she will be blamed. Sad thing is...she's probably right. Fuck the so called justice system.

My ex found out where I was working and came to my job and begged for another chance. Normally, this would have made feel great to know that after all the pain that he put me through, he was the one now begging....but it didn't make me feel great. It made me feel quite sad, because I was feeling lonely from being dumped by Sasha. It made it very hard to resist him, but I managed somehow. I went home and cried all night though....

And if that wasn't a good enough week....I also found out on Friday that I have an abnormal pap test. So, I have to go in for anothe pap smear. Joy!

Does life get any better than this?

5:10pm: Is it really possible for me to feel happiness?

It's an emotion so foreign to me.

Is it even real?

How long will it last?

I'm afraid to ask, because I don't want to jinx it and make it disappear.

4:56pm: She loves me. I think she really loves me.

5:29pm: Sasha loves me, Sasha loves me not, Sasha loves me, Sasha loves me not.........

She turns me on, then turns me off.

She asks me to come over, then she tells me to leave.

She sticks her tongue in my mouth, then pushes me away.

This girl is driving me crazy. Why is she trying to label herself? Why can't she just let it be what it will be? It's simply two girls who love to fuck each other's brains out. She doesn't have to attach a name to it. I tried to do the same at first....now I just want to enjoy it for what it is. I'm not asking for a tomorrow, just a tonight.

5:07pm: I should be out visiting my LJ interests, visiting my friends' friends and hitting the random button to find new friends to add, but I'm too lazy at the moment. At least I'm enjoying knowing the few LJ friends that I do have. Thanks for making your posts interesting. :-)

5:04pm: Why is that I'm practically straight my whole life (in practice anyway), but a little bi curious and girls almost never flirt with me and the moment that I finally do a girl, I have other girls coming at me left and right. Is it something that people can sense? Maybe it's my work environment. Whatever the hell it is, I'm one lucky bitch.

9:40pm: I can't believe I've been away from LJ for 5 days. I've already started the new job and I'm liking it so far. It couldn't be easier and that's really good since I'm extremely lazy. I get to sit on my ass, watch tv when I'm not on the phone, go to the post office, do a little light dusting, water the plants, and talk to beautiful exotic dancers when they decide to stop by (the office is next to the club). The worst part is when his tenants call and bitch me out because their toilet isn't flushing or their asshole neighbor is keeping them up all hours of the night playing Judas Priest. I just say, "sorry, I'm new." I have to think of a better line though, because that new shit isn't going to work much longer and it turns out the boss man doesn't like to be called on his cell very much, especially for tenant matters. He's a sleazy ass, but very likeable, if that makes any sense. He reminds of that guy that played the sleaze bag on Night Court. I can't remember his name, but I think the character's name was Dan. It seems that I compare everybody to sitcom characters these days. I think that means I've watched too much fucking tv growing up. Now, I get to watch even more, while I'm supposed to be working.

1:01pm: The assholes at the temp. agency can't get anything right. It turns out the thing yesterday with the porn king was just an interview, but I did get the job. I start Monday. It'll last at least 3 months, with potential for full time, perm. work, which I'm not sure if I want to work there perm. Surprisingly, the office was nice and professional. I'll be processing his tenant's rent payments, handing out paychecks to his strippers (I had no clue they get paid a check in addition to their tips, who knew?), answering the phone, keeping his schedule, going to the post office for him, picking up his lunch when he's around (he said he's out of the office a lot though). It doesn't seem like it'll be that bad. I'll be spending most of the time by myself in a comfy little office with internet, cable tv, and a fridge full of beverages and snacks. My dealings with people will be limited, except once per month when I take rent payments and once a week when I hand out checks to his employees. Most of the time I guess will be spent on the phone and doing small errands (guess I'll have to deal with people then too) This could be a job that I could stand for a while.

12:42pm: should I be an employee of a porn king?
ok, the temp. agency just called me with a 3 month assignment and it's a close enough drive. I have to report Wednesday if I decide to take it, but I have to let them know by closing time this evening. The pay is decent and the hours are good. It's the position of a personal assistant/secretary/gopher type of thing. I thought the name of the businessman I'd be working for sounded vaguely familiar, so after a little research (the extent of my research was typing his name into google), I find out he is none other than a local real estate mogul, restaurant owner, strip club entrepreneur and adult bookstore/ sex toy peddler. (wonder if I'd get an employee discount?) I'd be working in an office type environment and am qualified, unless one of the qualifications includes silicone. Not sure if I'm going to take it yet, due to my anxiety problem, but I'm probably going to have to due to my bill problems. I'm just confused why he didn't hire one of his girls ?

11:51am: here's what happened this past weekend aka my 1st experience with a girl
Anyone that knows me well, knows that I have always been a bit bicurious. Ok, more than curious. I went to the party of my friends over the weekend. I was invited to bring a guest. Nearly everyone that I personally know was already going and I wanted to have my 'own' friend there if that makes any sense. Someone I could hang with if I suddenly became a wallflower like I sometimes do in these social situations.

Sasha (the cute cashier chick) and I had started talking again (remember, I thought I had totally freaked her out before). I asked her if she'd like to go to the party, I explained that the ex would probably be there, and I needed some support. Turns out she is a great, no not just great, but a wonderful, perfect caring friend. She had plans already, but gave them up to help me out. So she got dropped off at my house and we dressed up all sexy and alluring and we kicked ass. She did my eyes and used false eyelashes on me, which I could never get to work, but she made them look fabulous. Nevermind the party that we went to was casual, lol. I guess you could say we stood out in our black shiny clothes and wild makeup. But we looked hot, especially Sasha. She was turning me on like I'd never been turned on before, but I was hiding it from her, because I was afraid of scaring her off and losing her forever.

So we're at the party and yes the evil ex is there and evil ex has his eyes all over Sasha. When she found out who he was, she totally played with his mind and must have made him feel like he was the shittiest looking man to ever walk this planet. He really deserved it. Sasha and I were having such a great time all night drinking, dancing, giggling, that I rarely thought of him, even when I had to look straight at him.

Someone, don't remember who, wanted to play a good old fashion game of spin the bottle. This was very, very late, when most people had already gone home, there was just a handful of us left, under 10 of us maybe. Dickhead was still sticking around because I actually think he was cocky enough to think he'd get Sasha to suck his dick before the night was through, but was he going to be fooled.

Anyway, we're playing our game, and it's a game of boys can kiss boys, girls can kiss girls, even all my heterosexual friends are drunk enough to be up for this. lol Sorry u know who I'm wishing I can kiss (hint: Sasha). Turns out that I have to kiss the evil ex and I refuse in all my drunkness. He gets really pissed by this and tells me to get over him. Sasha stands up, just to piss him off, said she has got over you, (she was absolutely hating his guts and very drunk at this point and knew the whole back story behind us that I had told her and how I told him I was going to start seeing girls just to annoy him)and she grabs me by the back of my neck and plants a big kiss right on my lips. All my friends that were left at the party, started applauding, lol and Mr. Ex actually has the nerve to think he's going to get in on this action! lol He walks over to us, and while still kissing me,Sasha, takes her hand and pushes him back to keep him at arms length. I knew she was doing this to piss him off, but I'm was in heaven, lol.

He is such a macho bullshit artist that he felt humiliated and left! I was thinking how cool she was to do this! Nearly everyone had left except us and the host and hostess invited to go ahead and stay over because we were fucking drunk out of our minds, but there wasn't really much of anywhere extra to sleep so I said I thought I'd be sober enough to drive (I wasn't), so they said no, if you won't stay all night, you're getting a cab (yes, someone really cares about me, I couldn't really quite believe it myself). My place is closer so we decided Sasha would stay over, we'd get a taxi back in the morning to pick up my car and then I'd take her home.

Now, I'm not going to go into too many details because I'll feel like I'm writing a Penthouse letter and I could imagine all the adolescent boys out there beating their meat reading about how two bicurious girls got it on and I don't feel like giving anyone else a thrill right now, so let's say, I had my first girl on girl experience, it was wonderfu. everything I thought it would be and more.

Now the sad part. Sasha was up for it because she was so drunk. She has told me she really really enjoyed it, but she is acting awkward. I think she can't deal with the labels that she's trying to attach to herself and what happened between us. I told her that it never has to happen again if she doens't want it to (although, i would love for it too), that I just don't want to lose her as a friend. I haven't known her too long, but she has become one of my best friends ever and I hope I haven't messed it up. I want to fill her lips again, the taste of her...I have a feeling she feels the same, but I'm not sure if she does want it to happen again. Maybe she's scared. I was scared too. We're talking on the phone a lot, but she hasn't been able to come back over yet, she says because of her schedule. When we went back to pick up my car the morning after, it was a quiet ride, but when she got out of the car, she came over to my window and stuck that wonderful tongue into my mouth (and she was sober this time) I keep getting mixed signals from her. She claims she's never been with a girl before, but I've heard different and she just seemed so experienced. I want her now. sigh

And if you read all this, thanks. I wrote it in a very fast fashion and I realize it just rambles on and on and probably is filled with errors that make me look stupid, but lust can do that to you.